“Been There, Done That.”
We often say that phrase as a joke, but, sometimes, the best resource is someone who has been through what we are going through. Which is one of the reasons Kristin Henderson, wife to a military chaplain who is up to five deployments, was encouraged to write a story about military spouses and dependents and what they go through while their significant other is deployed, preparing to deploy, and coming home. While They’re At War was recommended to me by Emily Yellin, author of Our Mother’s War, and I couldn’t be more glad she did.
While They’re At War: The True Story of American Families on the Homefront is an honest, if a bit melancholy, look at how deployments impact military spouses (mostly wives, but a few men too) and their children. Mixing individual stories with facts, Henderson expertly zooms in to make the issue personal and then zooms out again to view the situation in a broader context. Henderson doesn’t shy away from any topic, taking on everything from spouses who publicly protested the war in Iraq while their husbands were actively in the fight to husbands who choked their wives on their front lawn after their first deployment. And she does so with language that is both candid (“Or do you fear the worst, that they’d been captured? In which case you prayed to God, Please let them die quickly.”), beautiful (“the sky is polka-dotted with parachutes”), and even humorous (“Spouse doesn’t feel like being in the same room with that asshole, much less like having sex with him or her.”).
This week’s topic was parenting and, for that, you’ll want to read Chapter 12, where Henderson examines a number of aspects about parenting, many of which my friends have gone through while their spouses were or have been deployed. She starts with banking sperm, whether so their wives can attempt artificial insemination while they are gone or because they are afraid something will happen to them and they won’t be capable of making children when they return, goes through pre and post-deployment baby booms, and miscarriages and births while the spouse is deployed. Then she turns to the children, to the way they process and react to the separation – her story of little Lexie, screaming and refusing to take off the necklace her daddy gave her just before he left, painting a vivid picture. Though, for me, the most gut-wrenching example of the effect of service on children was earlier in the book, when we are introduced to Trish Rierson and her sons, especially four-year old Jacob, and Trish’s friend, Barb. Their stories will wring you inside out.
While I didn’t have a child when my husband was deployed, so many of the other challenges the one left at home feels are covered brilliantly in Henderson’s book. The way Murphy’s Law seems to come on full force the minute that plane takes off, the feelings of isolation when you’re around others who don’t have a loved one in the fight, the debate on whether to stay put or haul your cookies back home to be close to your family, whether to watch the news or remain blissfully ignorant, the battle between nerves and excitement when you go to pick him up. It’s clear that Henderson has been through this herself and, while it may hover a bit in the realm of the negative aspects of being a military spouse, she’s crafted a fantastic book, complete with a significant number of resources thrown into the text and another list of useful websites at the end, and one I think both military and civilians could benefit from reading.
You can find out more about the book and more about Henderson, her journalism credentials, her other books (both of which have now been added to my “to read” list), and her work with the Yellow Ribbon Fund here. You can also find her on Facebook and Twitter.
© 2014 – 2020, Sarah Maples LLC. All rights reserved.
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